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Learning from the flowers of the field

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A personal Reflection stemming from today’s Readings.

(2 Corinthians 12:1-10, Matthew 6:24-34)

Normally, I like to reflect on the daily Mass readings before I attend, but sometimes it just doesn’t work that way, and today was one of those days. I’m rather glad, actually, as hearing them “fresh”, spoken by someone else, helped something to fall in to place for me.

This month marks ten years since I left school – not something terribly special, you may think. But, you see, when I left school, I carried one thing with me. The conviction that I would not be alive in ten years time. Not that I had a terminal illness; nor was I intent (anymore) on suicide – but I had struggled with an eating disorder, depression and self harm for quite a few years by that point, and I just could not envisage my existence ten years down the line. It seemed impossible. I figured my heart would give out (not uncommon with the type of eating disorder I experienced), or some freak accident would occur. Being alive at 27, going 28, was inconceivable. It was something that preoccupied me; hassled my thoughts, even. I certainly could not have acted upon Jesus’ instruction of “do not worry about your life…can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your lifespan?”

Skip forward, and at the beginning of this month, I realised what an important milestone I had reached. Not only have I “made it”, but I am in a much better place than I could ever have imagined or credited. I am blessed and graced to experience God on a day to day basis. Even my most recent stretch of depression was filled with blessings, moments of serenity and searing joy – and my re-emergence from it felt even more like the ‘dawn from on high’ that ever before. No longer do I worry about tomorrow – knowing that it will indeed take care of itself, whatever might occur. Instead, I take delight in watching God provide for the birds and the flowers – I find joy in the rain; beauty in weeds; strength in being woken by birdsong in the dawn.

I know, deep in my being, that this is down to something St Paul puts so very eloquently:-

Since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)

Without my weaknesses – and they are many – and my sufferings – I would not have the endurance, character and hope that St Paul describes. Most importantly, I would not have the love of God that I feel and try to share. Love that is often almost too intense an experience. This is where it becomes cyclical – if I did not experience such love, I would not ‘need’ the thorn in my flesh that stops me from being “too elated”. Many more than three times have I begged God about this, but no more – His grace is sufficient for me. Instead, mindful of my dear Catherine McAuley, I will (do my best to) cling to the Cross in faith; to “boast most gladly of my weaknesses…for when I am weak, then I am strong.”


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